Friday, April 11, 2014

Yanks Take Game One of Four

The Good

Pineda mastered the art of doctoring baseballs, giving the Yanks six-plus innings of one-run dishonest baseball. Asked about the foreign substance on his right hand, Pineda announced his new endorsement deal with McCheat Sticky Stuff Pitching Solution. McCann, who was probably stealing signs, drove in a run. Dean Anna hit his first major league home run not in a video game on easy mode.

The Bad

When asked about the possible pine tar on Pineda's pitching hand, Red Sox hitters were furious.

"What?!" screamed David Ortiz. "Everyone knows that when it's cold out, you're supposed to hit as many batters as possible until you're unceremoniously removed from the game by your manager or your contractual obligation to McCheat Sticky Stuff Pitching Solution, which I endorse and also works for hitters."

The Ugly

McCann has struggled at the plate this season, but managed an RBI in last night's game. Afterwards, however, he had other things on his mind.

"I bought a cat recently and I’ve learned a lot about parenting from having a cat. One of the things I’ve learned is that all mammals manipulate. When my cat wants to go outside, she comes down to the kitchen and meows at me. But not with just any meow, a meow that says ‘why did all my kittens have to die when you drunkenly plowed into them with your car, having already had multiple DUI arrests?’ It’s a heart-wrenching, evil, manipulative meow. And kids are exactly the same way. That’s why they get away with murder. I’m just glad that, finally, someone has had the courage to put an end to this and finally charge a baby with murder."

Greenies for the Babies

Green dollar bills that is. Anna's home run means another $2 for the kids.

Brett Gardner 1hr = $2
Alfonso Soriano 1hr = $2
Kelly Johnson 2hr = $4
Carlos Beltran 1hr = $2
Dean Anna 1hr = $2

Total 6hr = $12


Anonymous said...

I can't believe you made a connection between McCann and the arrested baby in Pakistan. Now, that is funny.

Roberto E. Alejandro said...

Our ability to see connections nobody else does is what sets our analysis apart.