George Mitchell Floored By New Report

The New York Times today broke the story that in 2003 both Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz had tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. This story has completely shaken the world off its axis. Though by world we refer only to people who refer to themselves as "members of Red Sox Nation. Yeah, I'm sooooooo cool."

Among those whose world has been shaken: George Mitchell. The former U.S. Senator and PED investigator could not believe that Ortiz had taken performance enhancers.

"Wow," said Mitchell. "I mean, when I did my report, I talked to a couple guys who'd spent time in New York because I just knew that there was no way New York could've been so good in the late 90s. Think about it, we had Nomar, but they always won. They always won. I just knew that all of the performance enhanced players were on that team."

News of Ortiz's PED use raises questions about how fair and balanced Mitchell's report was, considering his strong ties to the Red Sox. Mitchell denied any bias on his part.

"I was in no way biased in my report on PED use in New York . . . I mean baseball. That report was fair. I even had my good friend Bill O'Reilly take a look and he assured me that it was the best piece of unbiased investigatory writing he'd ever read."

Nonetheless, there are still skeptics. "How come youse guys nehva looked at tha 2003 list?" complained Brooklyn resident and loyal WFAN listener Tony. Mitchell's response? "Ortiz was on it, I wasn't going to cite that."

Indeed.