Off Days are Funny Things

A lot of rumors have been flying around, and a lot of questions have remained unanswered, but if our RJG email box is any indication, the entire world is wondering about the truth. Of course, I am referring to Lady Gaga's hit new single and disturbing new video, Alejandro. In this song, Lady Gaga mentions the two main authors of the RJG blog (take that Deron, you're a jerk!) by name: Fernando and Roberto Alejandro. Yes, she seems a little upset with us in the song, and most people are wondering what really happened between us and Lady Gaga.

The story begins a couple years back, as my brother, Deron and I were hanging out on the beach in Cancun, enjoying a nice day, drinking a Corona, when this lady walks up to us, and without saying a word decks me in the face. I was more surprised than anything else, but I still laughed when out of sheer reaction, Roberto smashed his Corona over her head. But it wasn't over. This woman took a fistful of sand and threw it in our eyes, and then rushed swinging both hands and feet furiously. I managed to snatch her in a side headlock and punched her in the head a few times before she picked me up and body slammed me on the beach. I jumped back up and decked her in the face, but as soon as she hit the ground she bounced up and round housed Roberto in the side of the head. The fist fight continued for about 10 minutes before authorities arrived on the scene and arrested Deron after the locals pointed him out as being a jerk. Haven't seen him since. Either way, I figured it was all over. Wrong. I went to sleep in my hotel room that night, and at about 2 in the morning I get decked in the face! I wake up thinking my brother just thought it'd be a good practical joke, which it would have been, but instead I see this woman again! She follows up with a left hand, which I deflected into my pillow. Roberto wakes up when he hears the commotion, and I yell for him to call the cops. He grabs the phone, but instead of calling he decks her over the head with it! The fight continued unchecked for about half an hour when we were exhausted. The worst parts of it was one, we were evenly matched with this 100 pound woman, and two, as the fight ensued the beat to what is now "Alejandro" was blaring from a boom box she had set up in the corner of the room. We were pretty much at a stalemate. All three of us had cuts and bruises all over, and we were just trying to catch our breath. I stood clutching a tequila bottle that I really hoped I wouldn't have to use since it came from the minibar, and would cost me $60. Roberto stood holding what was left of the room phone. The woman stood holding a partially broken lamp. As we were catching our breath, she looks up at us and says "I know that we are young and I know you may love me but I just can't be with you like this anymore." That's when I saw her for what she was: a woman scorned. Not by us mind you, but by somebody somewhere. I realized what needed to happen. As I cleared my throat and spit out the blood that had collected in my mouth, I began speaking "Look, lady, we all go through some tough times, but instead of getting violent, why don't we just make some rootbeer floats and talk it through." The woman's face brightened, "Lady Gaga's my name." she said as she extended her hand. I reached over to shake her hand, but before I could, Roberto smashed the phone over her head again leaving her unconscious! "Good! You got my cue!" I said to him, as I quickly started gathering my belongings. "Yeah, I'm not paying for this mess." Roberto responded. So we raced out of the hotel and hoped to never see her again. The hotel was on Deron's card so it all worked out. Or so we thought. A couple years later, Lady Gaga's "Alejandro" comes out. Every now and again, she'll show up at the RJG head quarters and we'll have sandwiches and talk about the recent Deadliest Warrior episodes. She's pretty cool once you get to know her, but before you get to know her, she's pretty violent.

So there it is. That is what happened between Lady Gaga and us, and now we are forever immortalized in that song. CC Sabathia and Roy Halladay up tonight. Off days are funny things.