Friday, July 25, 2008

100 Reasons to Not Sign Barry Bonds

According to Peter Abraham who was quoting the AP, Hank and the Yankee Brain Trust had a meeting the other day in which one of the items discussed was Barry Bonds. Because of this report I decided to come up with 100 reasons for why we should not sign Barry Bonds. However, have you ever tried to come up with a list 100 reasons long? You lose interest half way through, and then find yourself wondering why you ever tried to come up with a list 100 reasons long in the first place. So I'm not going to come up with 100 reasons for why not to sign Barry Bonds, I'm instead going to come up with the best reasons and let you all provide your own.

1. Barry Bonds is a PED user who won't admit to it. His personal trainer spent years in jail because he refused to testify about Bonds. I sure hope he's getting some of the $16 million Bonds' was paid last season.
2. He's not ready and would require time to get ready. Then how good do you think he'll be? I don't think he'll be as succesful against AL pitchers who are used to facing a regular DH.
3. I can't prove this yet as I am still gathering information, but I'm pretty sure Bonds eats children. Now were not just talking about a ball game, were talking about putting your families lives in danger.
4. Bonds' hates the media, which is different from being unfriendly with the media. Bonds' won't even talk to them. I'm sure it was fine in San Francisco, but how will that fair in New York City?
5. Bonds' hates his teammates. He has a big ego, and I don't mean like Reggie Jackson, I mean like a pop star ego. I mean like Rick James circa 1980. He doesn't consider those around him his equals. Last season Bonds' was busted for using Amphetamines, and then tried to blame it on teammate Mark Sweeney. What's next? He scored his "flax seed oil" from A-Rod? I'm not having that.
6. Bonds' ego. Its bad enough that he has a big ego, but what will happen when a non-power hitter like Derek Jeter keeps getting dates with all the beautiful women, and Bonds gets no love? He'll probably flip and punch a trash can, which will injure his hand, and limit him to hitting singles for a few weeks. We don't need that.
7. Bonds' speed. He's slow. Do you really want to see Bonds' hit a screaming single to left field, only to see the left fielder throw him out at first? I don't.
8. Bonds' body is too big for him. Even if he does get in shape for the season, what is the likelihood that his over burdened knees won't go or some other freak injury attributed to his freak size won't happen? We'd be paying money for an injured player, and unfortunately Pavano already has that role locked down.
9. He can only DH. He's not a left fielder anymore, and playing him in the field would be both inappropriate and irresponsible. That being said, all he can do is hit, and with a team with a lot of aging players, the DH role is needed to give guys a rest. How will Bonds' react when Giambi gets to DH over him?
10. He plays the guitar. I just don't want to hear what a Barry Bonds' written song would sound like.
11. Barry Bonds' entourage. Now this isn't the cool entourage from the HBO show, its Barry Bonds' entourage. I don't know everyone involved in his entourage, but I imagine Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jose Canseco are in it, and who wants Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jose Canseco in their clubhouse?
12. Bonds' legal troubles. Bonds' could get called before a federal jury at any time, and then the Yankees would be right where they were before signing him. Not a good solution.
13. Bonds isn't a winner. He played for the Pittsburgh Pirates and the San Francisco Giants. He hit a bunch of homeruns for those teams, especially the Giants, but how many championships did he lead them to? Post seasons? Do you really want him rubbing that Pittsburgh and San Francisco loser attitude off in our clubhouse? Just saying.
14. Bonds hates charity. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't hit any homeruns just to not help raise money for the Children's Health Fund. Okay that might not be true, but still, I don't like the guy.
15. Bonds has attitude issues. Do you really want to hear about a brawl breaking out in the clubhouse between Bonds' and Farnsworth? Okay, me too. But how would you like to be standing behind Bonds' at one of the million Starbucks' in Manhattan while he gives the attendant lip because there wasn't enough froth in his latte? What the heck is froth?
16. Bonds did not participate in the World Baseball Classic. He said he had no country to play for since Douchebagovia decided to back out of the tournament.
17. Bonds' head is too big for his body. The proportions are way off. How will the Yankees find a batting helmet big enough for him? Then they have to get one custom made, and that's more money out the Teixeira Signing Fund the Stein brothers' been dropping their spare cash into.
18. Bonds' to retire as a Yankee? Really? I for one would never want this to happen.
19. Bonds' to retire as a Met? I would much rather prefer that. If I was Cashman I'd try to convince Minaya to pull the trigger on that one. Set it up as a practical joke. Maybe take him out to lunch, and have the waitor switch the check with Bonds' contract for the year. He signs by the x, Cashman leaves the tip, and Barry Bonds' is a Met for the rest of the season.
20. Barry being Barry? Who wants to hear that every time he refuses to do an interview with Kim Jones or whenever Cano runs into Bonds at second base because he couldn't go to third despite Cano's scorching double to center?
21. Make your own. You know what they say, 20's the new 100.


Fred Trigger said...

A Bonds post, but no redsox-yankees propaganda? For shame.

Anonymous said...

I thought Ortiz is the only one out there eating children!