Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hank Steinbrenner Breaks Silence

Its been a long time since we've heard from co-chairperson Hank Steinbrenner, and with the season already over 30 games in, we thought we would take this opportunity to get Hank's opinion on how the season is going. We met with Hank at the NY Steaks restaurant, which is located inside of the new Yankee stadium. Here is a transcript of the interview:

RJG: Thanks for meeting with us here, and taking time out of your busy day to answer some of our questions.

HS: Of course.

RJG: So for starters, what is your take on the season and how its gone?

HS: Well, clearly, we're not doing very well. I'm extremely dissapointed in how this season has begun, and with how we're playing. Its an embarrasment to the Yankee tradition.

RJG: We couldn't agree more. One of the biggest issues this season has been injuries, and with so many players in their 30's getting injured, what plans do you have to get younger?

HS: Look, I thought we were in the business of baseball not ballet. These grown "men" need to start acting like it.

RJG: Okay. So how would you go about fixing this team?

HS: For starters, we hire certain people to make certain people dissapear.

RJG: I'm not sure where you're going with this.

HS: Just imagine the headlines: "A-Rod Dissapears". If someone dissapears, well, we don't have to keep sending them a paycheck, catch my drift? So you look in the paper and its, "A-Rod and Kei Igawa go Missing, Carl Pavano Too". Then maybe a week later its "Damaso Marte joins the Missing Crowd", and slowly but surely this team starts changing.

RJG: Okay, so thats where you were going with that. Just out of curiosity, who will replace A-Rod and Marte? We haven't been able to find a suitable replacement as it is.

HS: That's where we start to get younger. We bring up the kids from our farm system like Evan Longoria and Joakim Soria. We'll probably bring up Zach Grienke while we're at it, he's been good.

RJG: Yeah, but none of those players are in our farm system.

HS: They are when you bring kidnapping to the table. A simple brain washing, and a fake mustache, and no one will tell the difference. We'll just have them waiting in Triple A for their call up.

RJG: Unfortunately, this isn't even the craziest thing you've said to us in an interview before.

HS: We're playing high stakes poker here my friend! And the minimum bid is life! Whose life is it going to be, yours or theirs!?

RJG: What?

HS: This isn't a movie!

RJG: Okay.

HS: "Horton Hears a Who" mother(Expletive Deleted)!

RJG: Um, alright I think this would be a good place to end the interview. Thank you for your time Hank.

HS: Always a pleasure.

So there you have it. Expect Evan Longoria, Zach Grienke and Joakim Soria on the team before the trade deadline.


TribeGirl said...

Hey, leave Carl out of it!!! Don't hate ~ no kidnapping our ACE!!!!

Raven King said...

No one is safe from Hank's genius plan.
We're going to see both Carl the Ace and Grady the Handsome Face of the Tribe in Scranton Wilkes-Barre Uniform in the near future!

Raven King said...

BTW, these are hilarious:
Welcome to LA, Manny!
Oh, Manny!
Guillermo versus Manny Ramirez!

TribeGirl said...

Oh Raven ~ you're just hitting me from all angles!!! Taking Grady too?? NO!!!! We need our gangster in training!!! Besides, I think the Grady's Ladies guard him 24/7... And then reminding me of my precious Manny and his female fertility issues???? (those are funny clips though!)

Fernando Alejandro said...

I forgot about Grady, and we do need an everyday centerfielder.

Roberto Alejandro said...

That last video only works if you don't know any Spanish.

anonymous number two said...

Joel Sherman says Hank has very little to do with the team any more, but at least he has some kind of plan. Pretty sure Hal, his sisters and Bronny are coming up completely empty.