Friday, May 1, 2009

How Close is Jeter to the Red Sox Infield Really?

The New York Times recently published an article describing how most of the Red Sox infield loves and respects Yankee Captain Derek Jeter. We here at RJG found that hard to believe, since the Red Sox infield is notorious for its lack of warmth, ability to connect emotionally, and personal hygiene. We approached all three players about the NYTimes report to find out the truth.

At first, Red Sox second baseman, Dustin Pedroia, was reluctant to speak to us. Seven beers later, his usual breakfast, he was much more loquacious. "I had a locker next to Jeter's during the WBC. So one time, I asked him to hand me a pencil. The next day, I got a phone call. The voice said Jeter was calling in the favor I owed him from the time he handed me that pencil, and that I had to drive a car parked out front across state borders. I had no idea what to do. The voice said that if I didn't do it, Jeter would be disappointed, and then I'd be disappointed . . . from the hospital. I drove the car. Since then, I always say hi to Jeter when he gets on base and I don't do anything to upset him."

"Jeter's a phony," said Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis, quoting himself. "That's what I said to the press my first day in Boston. Then, the next day, I came to work and Wally's head was in my locker, blood everywhere." This was followed by about five minutes of inconsolable sobbing. "Then, this huge guy walks in with a shatter-proof mirror. He made me look at my own reflection for a whole hour. I still have nightmares. Since then, I have nothing but nice things to say about Jeter."

Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell only had this to say, "Does this haircut make me look like Jeter?" Wait . . . that was the Yankees third baseman. Lowell said, "Jeter was real nice to me when I was in the minors. One time, I accidentally used one of his bats, and I was still walking the next day. I really appreciated that, so I always speak highly of him to my associates. Besides, I'm pretty sure Julio Lugo's a snitch. Every time someone says something bad about Jeter, he hears about it. So, I always speak highly of him to the media. I've no choice in the matter, I want to keep playing. Let's just say my last hip injury was no accident."

1 comment:

Raven King said...

People learn to respect Don Jeter's ganster very quickly.