It has been reported that Derek Jeter has settled his case with tax officials in the state of New York. The terms of the settlement were not released as that would violate tax payer privacy. However our inside man was able to deliver the following transcript of the negotiation between Jeter (who represented himself, definitely ballsy) and the lawyers at the Department of Taxation and Finance:
Atty: As you can see, we have enough evidence here to prove your residence in New York during the years 2001 to 2003. You have three weeks to make us an offer of settlement or we're going to trial.
Jeter: You can have my answer now if you'd like. My offer is this: Nothing. Not even the fee for the gaming commission, which I would appreciate if you would put up personally.
[cold, hard stare from Jeter to Attorney]
Atty: [unable to maintain eye contact, and unsure what the reference to the fee was all about] we accept your terms, including covering the fee, just stop looking at me like that. Please! [sound of attorney's pants wetting]