Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Carl Pavano's Online Diary 3

For those of you who do not know, a number of months ago we found Carl Pavano's online diary and were able to then guess the password correctly. The result was Carl Pavano's Online Diary and Carl Pavano's Online Diary 2. We were curious what his thoughts were on his rehab process and felt that fans out there would be interested. Since then he had changed his password, but our team of "Respect Jeter's Gangster" password guessers, managed to crack the new password. It was "Hubble-my-hibble". Don't ask us why. Anyway, we pasted a portion of his online diary here for you all to read:

September 16, 2008

Dear Diary,

I've been pitching in New York for a few games now, and was absolutely dominating the league. Opposing teams feared me, and the only runs they'd score would be off cheap homers, and Cano's fielding moronics. It was a glorious time, until Mussina came along and ruined it all. I've been trying to prove to everyone that Mussina's the one that injured my hip, but no one wants to listen. The Yankees are so blind, they don't want to read the facts. Here's a riddle I asked them, what does Posada's shoulder, A-Rod's quad, Cano's slump, and Wang's foot have in common? The answer is Mike Mussina. And now my hip hurts, and whose around? Mike Mussina. But no, they won't believe me, but I have proof. The day I got injured, I was in the clubhouse with all the guys when Mike walked by. As he passed he said "Whose playing hip hop music?" It was very subtle at the time, but then what happened in that game? I hurt my HIP and I HOPped a little before they pulled me from the game. I can't prove it yet, but I think Mike uses voodoo to pitch. That's one performance enhancer they haven't banned yet. I've been trying to get it banned for a couple years now but Bud Selig won't return any of my phone calls. It won't be until voodoo's used to hit homeruns that Selig flips his lid. That guys a frickin' jerk.

I was in the clubhouse yesterday, and no one would talk to me since they all fear me. I tried to talk to Matsui, but he picked up a newspaper and pretended to read it. I knew he was pretending because he doesn't read English. I then walked up to Giambi and he picked up a newspaper and pretended to read it as well. I knew he was pretending because it was Molina's "El Nuevo Dia" newspaper. I then tried to high five Damon, who grabbed a magazine and pretended to read it. I knew he was pretending because he doesn't know how to read. They fear me because they fear greatness, and that's why this team losses so much.

I wondered what I would do next season. I've already turned down offers. This one guy called and offered me a 4 year contract to pitch in the Gran E league. Then this other guy called and offered me a 5 year deal to play in a foreign country that has a currency called In-Jury. They told me that if I pitched that I would get 6 million In-Jury's a year. It was strange, because both calls were from the same phone number even though they were different voices, and when I called the phone back to try and accept one of the offers the phone next to Mussina's locker started ringing at the same time. It was really weird.

I was at home last night and I saw an old episode of the Exo Squad. It was so amazing because it had these "Neo-Sapiens" that the humans created to be slaves, but then the Neo-Sapiens take over the world and subject the humans to slavery. Then these Exo Squad guys have to save the humans from slavery. If they were really smart they would just create "Neo-Pavano's", and then I would lead them. We would be created in a test tube which we would walk out of naked, and then as we grow, our skin will turn into armor, and our eyes shoot lazers. We would fight the Neo-Sapiens naked though because we have armor skin, and then we would free all the humans from Neo-Sapien rule, accept for Mussina who they can keep. Maybe the Neo-Pavano's can create Neo-Mussina's who will then need to serve us lemonade every day. It will be our gift for freeing the humans from Neo-Sapien rule. Then we'd have to foil human plans for making Neo-Jeter's because then the Neo-Pavano's would never get a date. Then after that, we'd force the humans into slavery too, and create Neo-Sapien's again to join us in ruling over them. That's how that show should have ended, but everyone's an idiot.

Well, that's enough for now. I'm about to put on a black cloak and hide in Mussina's locker. Bye.


michael kei said...

I believe it

Fernando Alejandro said...

Commom misconception Raven. You heard it here first straight from the tin man himself.

Jim N. said...

that in-jury line was just priceless

Fernando Alejandro said...

Glad you liked it Jim. Welcome back!