Monday, March 17, 2008

Carl Pavano's Online Diary 2

About a month ago, our team of hackers were able to get into Carl Pavano's online diary. It was the day he had thrown his bullpen session and we were curious about his thoughts on the day. If you missed it, here's the first Pavano Online Diary Entry. Well, with all the games going on, and the Yankees on the move, we at the "Respect Jeter's Gangster" blog were wondering what Pavano was up to. After reading up on his diary, we thought we'd provide another excerpt:

March 14, 2008

Dear Diary,

Much is happening with the Yankees these days, but I have my own things going on. I've been going to the gym at Legends Field real early in the morning, and its completely empty. I like to wear a dark robe, and stand in corners until people start showing up. Then I'll whisper their names like "Shelley Duncan", and they'll get all freaked out because they can't see me. Mike Mussina was in here the other day. I can't stand that guy. My problems with Mussina go back to 2005 when I first came to the team. I had brought my "Where's Waldo?" books and Mussina kept finding him before me. Then he'd ask me to turn the page before I'd find him, and then he'd act all upset when I couldn't find him quick enough. Those books were hard. He was always hiding behind things making it hard to see him. Waldo was a frickin jerk.

Some of the coaches wanted me to throw a ball today, so I got into the bullpen. I'm working on a new pitch. Its called the Evacerator, because it evacerates my enemies. Its held with 3 fingers, and its thrown at 118 mph, but I'm still working up to that speed. I still can't throw it for a strike, but when I do, no one will be able to hit it. Not even Derek Jeter. Then I'll become a 40 game winner, and Mussina will have to bow down before me. Everyone on the team will love me, and I will sit on a throne they will build for me in the bullpen. Mussina's such a jerk.

Speaking of jerks, I went home after the bullpen session, and Captain Planet was playing on TV. I started watching it, and that little Indian kid with the monkey is the biggest jerk on television. All his friends are fighting bad guys with water, fire, and earth, and he's standing around talking to his monkey friend about it. Why don't you fight some bad guys? Come to think about it, Captain Planet's an even bigger jerk for giving that kid "Heart" as his power. Everyone else got a real super power, then Captain Planet calls this poor Indian kid over and says, "Crap, I got nothing for you, take this heart decoder ring and make the best of it." All the elements were taken already. Earth, wind, fire, and water, but heart's not an element. They should have at least given him "Rage" as his power. Then instead of talking to animals, he could be throwing Evacerator's at bad guys trying to polute the planet. Heart. What a load of crap. There was this one episode where he saw the bad guys trying to dump oil in the rain forest. So what does he do with his ring? He talks to his monkey friend, and tells him to go get help. That's the best he can do. He's like mall security. But the problem is that no one else can understand the monkey, so the monkey shows up and is trying to tell the useful Planeteers that he needs help, and they're just sitting there looking at him like idiots. If his power was rage, he could have slaughtered the poluters, but with heart he just sits around hugging trees and frolicing among lily pads waiting for help to arrive.

Because of this tommy john surgery, I don't have to throw a ball again until April. I love baseball. I get paid $10 million a year to be on a baseball team. The only thing I hate about it is when they want me to play. Why don't they just let me stay home? They need me to throw bullpen sessions and get stronger. I don't know why. It's not like I'm going to pitch this year. Not when my Evacerator is still at 43%.

Well, I need to start closing out. I'm going to unload a box of snakes in Mussina's garage tonight. That'll show him for telling the Yankees that I should be pitching. Until next time...

Carl Pavano

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think a moose head on his bed will hiss louder than a box of snakes.