Friday, November 20, 2009

Scott Boras Reveals Report on Damon DNA

Scott Boras has made it clear that he intends to land Johnny Damon a multi-year deal for more than what he made in his last contract. Boras points to Johnny Damon's DNA as reason for why he will hold up and be productive over a multi-year contract. Today, as the free agent market has opened up, Boras has revealed a report conducted by scientists at MIT regarding Johnny Damon's DNA.

"Its amazing stuff." Explained Boras. "I put together a team of scientists from MIT to draw blood, muscle, hair, and skin samples from Johnny Damon. What they found was incredible. Not human even. Super human in fact."

What was Boras referring to?

"Within Johnny Damon's genetic makeup we found trace amounts of shark, hawk, lion, tank, ninja, horse, wine and raptor DNA as well. He is built tough, and won't decline one bit. He'll probably even get better. It actually explains a lot. Like his durability and prestine condition. This kind of DNA in a ball player is worth at least $20 million a season for the next 10 seasons. Maybe even $30 million if you consider the effects all those DNA's mixed together can give you."

What did Boras mean?

"Think about it, wine gets better with age. If you have wine DNA, you'll only improve as you get older. Now think of that combined with everything else: eyes of a hawk, jaws of a shark, stealth of a ninja, speed of a raptor, majesty of a horse, build of a tank, and strength of a lion? What else do you need from a baseball player? Right there you have at least 40 homeruns, 100 stolen bases, gold glove defense, and 200 hits a season. Can you find a player on the market right now with those kinds of numbers?"

Unsure of how to proceed with the interview, Boras intervened.

"Look you have the Angels putting together The Team. A compilation of super humans capable of defeating regular humans whenever they please. Do you remember when Scioscia asked if Sabathia could strike out Superman? What do you think? The Yankees will need super humans to battle super humans, and you know what? Johnny Damon can hit a Superman fastball any day of the week."

So there you have it, Boras is looking for a 10 year $300 million contract for Johnny Damon.


cheshirecat9 said...

Damon is in good company as I just read that Boras is now also representing the League of Justice and is shopping them around to various clubs. 2010 should be an interesting baseball season.

Roberto E. Alejandro said...

I hear the Justice League is a bad clubhouse presence, kind of cliqueish.

Fernando Alejandro said...

Ah, but Cheshirecat said the League of Justice, not the Justice League. The League of Justice is actually a team of judges and lawyers that sue their way to victory. We'll be going 162-0 next season.