Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Bonds Not Retiring

Great news for baseball fans hoping for the steroid era to make a comeback. Former Giants slugger and alleged PED user Barry Bonds is not retiring. He will play for whatever team comes calling for him. So far he has no offers.

Bonds has made a lot of money in baseball, and he's broken a very important record, but until his PED use is proven there's really nothing that can be done. His records will go in the history books right above Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth. Infuriating? Yes. But nonetheless that's what we're dealing with.

Another alleged PED user looking for a job is former slugger Sammy Sosa. He had a decent season last year, but then turned down a year long offer from the Rangers to look for a bigger contract. Turned out, there were no bigger contracts for him, and the Rangers already got an outfielder. Now Sosa is looking for a job.

The market's saturated with aged PED users past their prime, and there simply isn't a demand for them. Japan maybe? They could mash over there. Probably break a few Japanese records. Maybe they can have a single-season homerun race between them, and go after Sadaharu Oh's hallowed record of 55 homeruns. They can even hug his children after they break it and talk about how honored they are to be mentioned in the same breath as Oh. At the press conference they'll hold Oh's bat from 1964, the year he set the record, and say that they only wish Oh was still alive to see this. Oh, who is still alive and present at the conference, will shake his head and walk out. Then Bonds and Sosa can retire from Japanese baseball, and head to Korea where they can play in the Korean League for 2009, breaking the Korean single season homerun record. That's what they should do. Go to a new country every year and break their homerun records. Then they can retire as world record breakers and feel great about tarnishing baseball on a global scale.

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