Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Melky Cabrera's Appeal

Melky Cabrera plans on appealing his suspension, but the word has been that the video makes it pretty clear that he clocked Longoria in the back of the head. His hat flies off and everything. When things are that clear, the only hope you have is to change people's perspective on what they're seeing. To that end, here are some possible Melky Cabrera arguments to help feign his innocence:

I was trying to push his head away from me.
With this argument, Melky can argue that Longoria's head was all up in his face, suffocating him. The only viable option was to push that head away from him so that he could live to play baseball another day. He needs to end this defense by saying that all he wants to do is play baseball and share his dream with millions of generations to come.

In the DR, that's how we say hi.
This ones tricky because if anyone in the room is Dominican they'll know he's full of it. However, in a room of Bud Selig's and other non-ethnic baseball officials, this argument might fly. The officials won't know enough to say it isn't true, and they won't want to alienate the Dominican community which is a large portion of the larger baseball community. Melky can even have a few of his Dominican friends write letters on his behalf. Alfonso Soriano, Hanley Ramirez, Jose Reyes, Hanley Ramirez, and maybe even David Oritz can start a petition. Then they'll have to take away the suspension.

I thought it was Carl Pavano.
In the excitement of a baseball fight, with all the shoving and yelling going on, this is an easy mistake to make. Its a time honored tradition to punch teammates you don't like in the back of the head during a baseball fight. They might not take away the full suspension, but they will at least knock it down a day.

He Deserved it.
This ones risky because it requires a charisma capable of turning a room full of skeptics. To pull this off, Melky would need to paint a picture of Evan Longoria as a horrendous human being. He could say things like, "I saw Longoria drive by a broken down car of nuns, and he didn't stop to help." or "I saw him kick his neighbors dog. A beagle no less." or "I saw him kick his neighbors kid. An infant no less." If he has enough time he can even photoshop a few pictures of Longoria commiting these acts. Then the committee will say "We will drop your suspension down to one game. We would have cleared it completely if you had hit him twice." Then Melky will say "I'm sorry for my lack of action. Next time, I'll give him two fresh ones." Problem solved.


Anonymous said...

Melky also could have taken Pedro's excuse in the Zimmer incident and pleaded self defense. Although, Longoria isn't as intimidating as the 187 year old Zimmer.

Fernando Alejandro said...

I agree, no where near as intimidating.

Anonymous said...

I was trying to expel the evil spirit out of his body.
Demons hate to be slapped in the back of the head. I read that in The Da Vinci Code.

Fernando Alejandro said...

That argument may fly at the Vatican, but not with these baseball people.