Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Breaking News: Jose Canseco's New Book Sucks

Due to my life long admiration for Jose Canseco's writing, I find myself following up on his latest offering titled "Vindicated: A Big Name Liar Saves Baseball", or something to that effect. Though it has not officially been released Peter Abraham found a link to a website by author Joe Lavin who happened to get his hands on a copy before the release day. Because of my intense curiosity, I decided to read what Lavin had to say. It appears that Canseco names Alex Rodriguez, Magglio Ordonez, and Roger Clemens as steroid pushers. Yes, I said pushers. Apparently, Alex Rodriguez runs a distribution ring up and down the east coast. Clemens served as the muscle while Ordonez transported the goods. Canseco claims that there were wire taps placed on A-Rod's lines but they used such clever slang that the Feds were unable to learn anything concrete. Here's a transcript straight from the book:

A-Rod: "You got the stuff?"

Ordonez: "Yeah, but that skinny guy with glasses gave me some trouble."

A-Rod: "I'll get Clemens on it. How much did you get?"

Ordonez: "100 packs of the B-12, and another 100 packs of the flax seed oil."

A-Rod: "Okay, you did good. Get the hundred packs of steroids, and the hundred packs of HGH to my house quickly."

Ordonez: "You mean B-12 and flax seed, right?"

A-Rod: "Yes, yes I did. Get them here quick. I have a date with Canseco's wife tonight."

According to "Vindicated" the Feds suspected that the line "I have a date with Canseco's wife tonight." really meant, "I'm the leader of a largescale steroid distribution ring." but ditched that idea when they saw A-Rod on a date with Canseco's wife later that night.

Canseco says that he introduced A-Rod to a steroid pusher one time. A few weeks later the guy washed ashore near Tampa Bay with what appeared to be the imprint of a 95 mph baseball on the back of his head. The murder is still unresolved but Canseco beleives A-Rod was taking out the competition. Canseco ends the chapter by telling A-Rod that he hates his guts, and then asks for 20 injections of the B-12 to be shipped to him. A-Rod of course denies the allegation. When asked about Canseco's book A-Rod said "Personal accolades are nice, but I really just want to win a championship in New York and retire a Yankee."

Yankee captain and well-known gangster, Derek Jeter had his own thoughts: "I don't care about an MVP. I just want to win a championship. Um, can you repeat the question?"

Perhaps the most telling portion of "Vindicated" according to Joe Lavin is that Canseco names Mike Wallace as a potential PED user. That would certainly explain the homeruns.

So there you have it. A-Rod distributes steroids, and wants to win a championship. Thank you Canseco. Thank you for blessing us with yet another quality book. The Nobel Peace Prize in literature is just a nomination away.


Anonymous said...

I take cansecos word about as much as i do clemens'. ill let you guess how much that is

Fernando Alejandro said...

Something about their eyes make them seem untrustworthy to me. Their eyes and their 'roid framed bodies.

Anonymous said...

This book is as thrilling as The Da Vinci Code.

Billy said...

Most ballplayers today are taking homeopathic growth hormone oral spray because it's safe, undetectable, and legal for over the counter sales. As time goes on it seems it might be considered as benign a performance enhancer as coffee, aspirin, red bull, chewing tobacco, and bubble gum.