Thursday, March 13, 2008

Iwamura Okay After Attempt On His Life

"It’s contemptible, it’s wrong, it’s borderline criminal."

These were the words Rays manager Joe Maddon had yesterday after an incident involving Yankees Shelley Duncan and Rays Akinori Iwamura's life. Shelley Duncan slid into Iwamura with his spikes high, cutting Iwamura on the leg. The half inch long slit across Iwamura's thigh could only be viewed for what it was, an attempt on his life.

"We got lucky yesterday." Said a Rays insider speaking on condition of anonymity. "Iwamura is okay, but had the cut been 7 inches wider and 6 inches deeper, it would have taken his leg off. That's not right."

"I don't know if Shelley realizes there are main arteries in the leg. If he had cut one of those this whole situation could have been really bad." He continued.

Despite the severity of the condition, Iwamura believes he will be able to play in today's game. "Umm. Yeah, I'm playing today." He said. Not so fast says one expert in baseball injuries:

"When I had a similar cut on my thigh it took about 3 weeks to heal. Then it was reinjured when my trainer pulled the bandage off. It knocked me out for another week. It was frustrating because I really wanted to pitch." Stated Carl Pavano in between fanning himself with crisp hundred dollar bills.

Despite the fact that the Yankees have knocked out the Rays second baseman for 4 weeks, they do not feel satisfied.

"4 weeks? Cervelli is out for 8 - 10 weeks. We're not even. Not yet." Said one Yankee player before getting cut from the roster.

Asked to speak on the matter, one Yankee veteran stepped forward with his own views:

"He deserved everything he got. You can't behave that way and expect to get away with it. These people are supposed to be role models. There are children looking up to them." Said Derek Jeter.

But why Iwamura?

"Iwamura? I thought we were talking about that governor with the prostitute."

Despite all the controversy, Shelley Duncan does not beleive he did anything wrong.

"I don't know what the big deal is. When I was growing up that's how we played baseball. Me and all the neighborhood kids would gather bats, chains, pipes, planks, bricks, brass knuckles and glass bottles. Then we'd go over to a rival neighborhood and play baseball all day until the police came to outline the bodies. You had to play hard."

But the Rays are not convinced.

"Look, it was premeditated. A clear attempt on Iwamura's life. Iwamura's the smallest guy on the field. I wish Shelley had rounded first and ran into right field to try that crap on me. I would have shoved him so hard, he'd stumble like 3 feet. He'd think twice before sliding into me again." Said Rays Jonny Gomes.

So is this controversy over? Far from it say the fans.

"I can't wait for the season to start." Said one Yankee fan living in Tampa. "If I see a Rays fan walking around, it'll be on."

We searched through Tampa for several hours, but were not able to locate a Rays fan to comment. However, we were able to find some more Yankee fans.

"Hey do you remember when Jonny Gomes was good?" Said one Yankee fan. "Me neither." He concluded before we could answer.

Despite all this. Iwamura believes he can move forward. "I'll listen to the doctors and my team." He said. "But I'm pretty sure I can play today."

Meanwhile, Francisco Cervelli is preparing himself for 8-10 weeks of recovery.


Jim N. said...

This is absolutely hilarious! hahaaha!

Breezy said...


This is effing brilliant! =D

Anonymous said...


And the saga continues.....

Anonymous said...

The new entrance music for Shelley, our new first base man:
Down Under.
"You'd better run. You'd better take cover"

Fernando Alejandro said...

Shelley is good writing material.

Michael said...

great stuff buddy!

Howard said...

I love it!
As a die-hard Yankee fan, I look forward to an other Eastern Division rival as intense as the Bosux!
To quote one of my role models, Mr Al " Four Touchdowns In One Game For Polk High" Bundy, "Let's Rock!"