Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Jeter Strikes Back pt. 3

Rebecca over at the "This Purist Bleeds Pinstripes" blog has been working on a multi part baseball story. We at the "Respect Jeter's Gangster" blog thought it was a great idea, however we lack the creativity, devotion and the obvious writing talent that Rebecca does. That, of course, did not stop us from writing this three part story series on Derek Jeter. Here is part 3.

Members of the dark council mingled in the meeting room where a large circular mahogany table sat in the center. The mingling continues until Emperor Selig enters the room wearing a dark robe. The members sit down to proceed with the meeting.

Emperor Selig: "There has been a disturbance in the force."

Larry Lucchino: "It can't be too bad. We won our championship. Things are good."

Emperor Selig: "No. Our plans to destroy the Yankees with the Mitchell report have not worked. If only Mitchell had dropped more names with less evidence."

George Mitchell: "I did what I could."

John Henry: "So what? We have approached the down fall of the Yankees from all angles. We sent our henchmen Marty Miller and Carl Pavano to cause injury and drain them financially."

Marty Miller: "They caught onto me too quickly. I should have saved some of those hamstrings for later in the season."

Carl Pavano: "Can I get tommy john on my left arm too?"

Emperor Selig: "And yet despite all this, the Yankees finished only two games behind the Red Sox and still won the wild card. If it wasn't for our infestation scheme they would have competed with us in the ALCS. The problem is with one member of the Yankees. We underestimated his gangster."

Larry Lucchino: "Ugh! You're talking about HIM aren't you?! He has thwarted all our plans! He will rue the day he crossed the Lucchino family!"

Emperor Selig: "Look, within one month he will hook up with more hot chicks than all of us have in our lifetime. That's not the kind of production we can counter."

Carl Pavano: "I dated Alyssa Milano."

John Henry: "No one cares."

Emperor Selig: "If we want to defeat the Yankees, we must rid ourselves of their mighty guardian, Derek Jeter!"

Right then, out of the shadows, a slow clapping could be heard.

George Mitchell: "Whose there? Show yourself!" he said grabbing his six shot pistols.

Derek Jeter: "So that was your master scheme huh Selig?" Jeter said as he stepped out of the shadows.

Emperor Selig: "How did you get past my guards?"

Derek Jeter: "They weren't very gangster."

Emperor Selig: "Valid point. But now you must face the wrath of a Selig scorned!" he yelled, throwing off his robe and revealing his hulk fists. Mitchell grabbed his pistols, while Lucchino and Henry both put on their Red Sox championship brass knuckles. Marty Miller quickly injected himself with a super steroid and grew three times his normal size. Pavano swallowed some pain pills and was ready to get in on the rumble too.

Derek Jeter: "Relax gentleman. I didn't come to fight. I came to join you."

Emperor Selig: "Really?"

Derek Jeter: "No."

Then Derek Jeter grabbed his Derek Jeter autographed baseball bat and swung an inside out swing which knocked Marty Millers head into the opposite field.

Emperor Selig: "Get him!" he yelled.

George Mitchell: "I'll show you what impeccable integrity feels like!"

The fight ensued with Mitchell firing his six shot all over the place. Selig got so excited he punched and shattered the mahogany table for no reason. Derek Jeter pulled out some baseballs and a fungo bat and started hitting sharp grounders at Lucchino and Henry's knees. They fell in great pain.

Larry Lucchino: "You will rue the day you shattered my knee caps Jeter! Rue it you will!"

Seeing that he couldn't compete, Selig unleashed a smoke bomb and they all escaped. Jeter left the complex, put on a tux, and made it just in time for his date with a super model. He's that gangster.

The End


Rebecca said...

Well worth the time away from my thesis =D


Fernando Alejandro said...

Really? With your writing talent I'm surprised you could put up with this crap.

Rebecca said...

LMAO. I think it's great.

And thank you!

Anonymous said...

Very funny! Love the Carl Pavano and John Henry exchange.