With many of their highest priced seats unsold and empty, the Yankees are turning to creative new ways to make the stadium look full on their television broadcasts. "First we tried computer animation," explained Yankee VP Randy Levine. "We hired the best of the best, Industrial Light and Magic, George Lucas' company. Next thing I know, I turn on the #$%&*@! game and Jar Jar #$%&*@! Binks is sitting in the third row behind the home dugout in Yankee #$%&*@! Stadium."
With computer animation having gone bust, other methods of making the stadium look full were explored. "One person suggested having CC sit in the stands instead of the dugout, that's three or four seats right there. But apparently that's not kosher," explained Yankee COO Lonn Trost.
"We heard a lot of teams will give seats to charities. But then, when we called them up, those pieces of $#!% didn't want to pay. They had the balls to tell us that teams donate those tickets to them. #$%& that," stated Hank Steinbrenner, obviously having a good day.
One option the Yankees are now considering is lowering the prices on seats that currently cost over $2000. "Honestly, we never could have seen this coming," lamented Hal Steinbrenner, the new king of the Yankees. "I mean, where I'm from, $2650 for a seat would be considered a bargain. But I guess I do live in a pretty small gated community. Well, it's not really a community, there's just a gate around my mansion. But we have servants' quarters so it's sort of like a community."
Lowering the prices may ultimately address the problem, but ticket holders who paid full price will have to be placated if the Yankees pursue that option. "Obviously, all of our current ticket holders will have to be compensated if we lower prices," Hal continued. "This will put a strain on our operating budget, which does not have room for four refund checks."