Recently, Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia referred to A-Rod as "a dork." RJG thought this was curious, so we decided to investigate. After speaking to 7 of A-Rod's 11 official spokespersons, my brother and I were finally able to get a meeting with A-Rod at his house in Miami.
When we arrived, we were told to feel free to look around, and so we did. At first, all looked normal and undorky. Big screen tv, batting cage, multi-car garage full of Maybachs, strippers, everything you'd expect was there. Nothing dorky whatsoever. Then we checked out the bedroom, and it all fell apart.
As I took a peak under A-Rod's bed, I noticed something. "Is that a 12 sided die?" I asked. "I don't think so," said A-Rod suspiciously. Then we noticed something weird underneath the pillow. A-Rod lunged to stop us, but we'd already overturned the pillow. "What the #@$%&! bro, is this a wizard's hat?"
"Ha ha, that's just um . . . my kids, leave their stuff everywhere. Why don't we check out my ultra cool game room?" stated A-Rod nervously. We knew there was something wrong when he used the phrase 'ultra cool,' and we were suspicious as to why he was trying to lead us out of the room. We noticed A-Rod shoot a quick glance toward an unassuming door on the other side of the room, which we had unassumingly assumed was a closet. We quickly headed over.
"No wait . . . guys!" Too late, we had opened the door to Alex's dungeon lair. There was a Dungeon's and Dragons board set up on a table, a game clearly in progress. On a far table was a complete set of Magic cards, right next to the Pokemon action figures. A linux based computer ran a calculus practice set program. We couldn't believe it.
"Is that a real light saber?" we asked, stunned. "It is, Matsui got it for me in Japan," responded A-Rod. "Holy $#!%," my brother and I exhaled. "No one can ever know about this. You're too important to the franchise."
A-Rod wiped a tear from his eyes. "Can I have Yuri drive you anywhere?" asked A-Rod. "Home," we both said, trying our best to avoid eye contact. We promised A-Rod that we wouldn't share what we saw that day with anyone, but he's a dork so what's he going to do about it?