Friday, April 24, 2009

This Just In: David Ortiz Donates Money to Children in Need, Then Eats Them

It was a scene of sheer pandemonium as we arrived upon the Boston neighborhood where the event had occured. Ambulances rode in and out transporting victims as mothers and fathers held their ailing children close. Paramedics on site administered first aid as they sifted through the wreckage looking for more victims. A single mother stood weeping trying to grasp any meaning out of the carnage that just occured.

"Why would anyone do this?" She asked, sobbing. "They're animals!"

Of course, she was referring to Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz who regularly eats children in need before series with the New York Yankees.

"It gives me my explosive power." Ortiz stated after the event. "This year I need it more than others. That's why I ate more children then usual."

Several Red Sox players have pre-game routines that vary from playing checkers, to eating children in need. However, the Boston Red Sox want to make it clear that the majority do not take part in the children eating, just players in a slump.

"We the Boston Red Sox do not want to give the wrong impression about these events." Read the release from Red Sox President/Chief Executive Officer Larry Luchino. "We only have our players eat the commoners children when they are slumping. We follow these guidelines rigorously. Other players have routines that are less destructive. For example Jonathan Papelbon likes to take long walks around elementary schools, and punch every grade school child he sees in the face. No lives lost, a child gets a free shiner, and we get a great story for our out reach department."

But some Boston fans do not agree with the seemingly excessive means the Red Sox use to prepare for the Yankees series.

"It seems excessive." One fan said under condition of anonymity. "But when you join Red Sox nation, you have to live under nation rules and authority, and our constitution clearly states that our children belong to the Boston Red Sox. Outside of the nation this might seem crazy, but in the nation its normal. They give us a ton of alcohol so we can't tell the difference between right and wrong. Sobriety is illegal in Red Sox nation. We're also forced to worship Red Sox nation idols like Wally the Green Monster. I pray to him every day."

Out of curiousity, Respect Jeter's Gangster sent a reporter to the Yankees to see how they prepared for the Boston series.

"I usually like to play guitar hero." Said Joba Chamberlain.

"I like to eat potatoes. Baked." Said Yankee new comer AJ Burnett.

"I usually read the newspaper. Maybe call up Jeter and see if he wants to get some steaks." Said catcher Jorge Posada.

"Yeah, I like to keep my cutter inside on lefties...wait what was the question?" Asked Yankees closer Mariano Rivera.

The rivalry continues.


Anonymous said...

Luckily, Ortiz chases them with a bat, so about 80% of them are pretty safe. We knew that with the new testing policies in place, players would find something to substitute.
Are there a lot of bruised cheeks, bloody noses and sore shoulders on those days when Paps has trouble locating?
Were there poor children before 2004?

(TheSox Fan Bible:
"In Novenber 2004, God created the heaven and the earth...")

Fred Trigger said...

Ortiz obviously didnt eat enough little kids tonight. Maybe Bay ransacked his stash. These 9 hour red sox-yankee games kill me. I hate having to work early on the weekend.