Thursday, August 14, 2008

Yankees Horrible Season Explained by Loss of Secret Weapon

For the 12 previous seasons the New York Baseball Yankees have been a constant in the postseason. And just like E=mc^2 nobody could really explain why. Theories abounded. Was it Torre? Was it the huge Yankee payroll? Was it Derek Jeter's gangster? No. It was none of those things.

The true secret to the Yankees success was only made evident when a brash young manager decided his team needed to eat healthier. Once the candy was removed from the Yankees clubhouse their level of play diminished to that of a glorified little league team. Not the one that wins the Little League World Series on ESPN2, but the one that gets their arses kicked just about every game they play. Without candy the Yankees cannot be expected to play good baseball. It's that simple. Bringing in Girardi was the most disastrous decision in Yankees history. Not because Girardi is a bad manager, but because of his counterproductive healthfood crusading.

There you have it. Investigative journalism at its best.

5 comments:

raven said...

You can't win the ball game without the help from Mr. Wonka.
It'll be fun as hell if Mr. T bring the Dodgers to the playoffs with Mr Wonka's golden ticket while Joe G fails his mission because of his No Chocolate policy.
BTW, Giese is the 13th Yankees player to go on the DL.
A-Rod, our dearest No.13, has become the most un-clutch baseball player in human history.
Talk about unlucky numbers.

Bucky7588 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bucky7588 said...

Its actually a pretty simple formula and thats why its so brilliant...the amount of energy in an object is that object at the speed of light, thats why matter can't go faster than the speed of light because its then turned into energy...one receives energy from candy....the yankees arn't getting candy, hence no energy, so its

0=mc^2...so to make e=0, m must equal 0

there you have it, a mathematical explanation of why the yankees suck this year, they have no mass and hence don't really exist.

Fernando Alejandro said...

We need to get this over to sabermetrics weekly.

Roberto Alejandro said...

the Yankees not existing would explain their lack of energetic play. I think we've solved a great dilemma.