Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Child Gang Activity to Delay Home Opener

It appears the violent activity of local child gangs will delay the opening of the season at Yankee Stadium by at least an hour. Earlier today there was a nerf gun shoot out outside of Yankee stadium that has killed and wounded dozens. The child gangs recently appeared near the stadium to sell their most profitable product: candy. With several gangs vying for customers in a relatively small area there has been a sharp increase in violence.

"I don't understand why we can't just sell our Bon Bons and move along. There's plenty of money to be made by all of us." Said Red Ranger of the Cabbage Patch Thug gang.

"I'm selling some gummy bears, then all of a sudden, we're getting run up on by some rival gangs. Its bad enough we need to look out for cops." He continued.

But other gangs don't share the same view.

"It's all about location. Here I am offering a man a Snickers bar, and he tells me 'No thanks. I copped a Heath bar down the street.' They're taking our customers!" Said Pooh Bear of the Notorious Ninja Turtles street crew.

Police officials are concerned that the problems could escalate. "Look, these child gangs are dangerous. They have laser guns, laser swords, ninja turtle nunchucks, they've even been sawing off their nerf guns. This children gang violence will only escalate."

The appearance of these child gangs came shortly after Yankee manager Joe Girardi removed all the candy out of the club house and replaced it with healthy snacks. The children gangs seized this opportunity to bring their product to the players.

"Yeah I cop from these kids." Said Yankees reliever Kyle Farnsworth. "I typically don't like getting anything from the Forocious Teddy Bear gang because their product is the weakest."

When asked what he meant, Farnsworth explained: "They always have malt balls and sour skittles. I don't want that crap. Sometimes I want a Charleston Chew. Strawberry flavored. I have to go all the way around the stadium to get it from the Notorious Ninja Turtles. They also have some Baby Ruth's which are my favorite."

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez agrees with Farnsworth. "I've been chewing gum since I was a kid, and now Girardi takes away the candy? That's fine. I'll just go get it from the Flintstones Vitamin crew. I ask for Bam Bam. He always hooks me up with as much bubbleyum as I want."

Because of the violence some gangs have opted to stay away from the Yankee stadium candy scene all together. "We gave up the candy." Said Trickster a member of the Tricycle Riders gang. "We do grand theft Tonka trucks. Why stand on a corner day and night, when I can just heist a bulldozer? There's far less violence in the Tonka truck trade."

The FBI had gotten involved to figure out who the distributors were but did not find much. They believed for a time that Yankees outfielder Melky Cabrera was responsible after finding "Melky Way" bars in a stash house of the Notorious Ninja Turtles crew. However they could never quite prove that they came from Melky himself. In one interrogation with a Notorious Ninja Turtles lieutenant the FBI was barely able to find out what his name was. "He had no ID on him because he's 4. Then I'm asking him his name and he keeps telling me its He Man. Of course I don't believe him, so I say 'Listen punk', right there he cuts me off saying 'I know you are but what am I?' How do you combat that kind of logic? I tried to break him down by calling him names, but he kept saying 'I'm rubber and your glue.' I asked how much money he makes in the candy trade and he says 'infinity times infinity times infinity'. I knew he was lying because my calculator kept giving me 'error' when I tried to enter that equation. I ask who runs the candy trade and he tells me 'Big Bird'. Then he drew a picture with some crayons of a dinosaur and handed it to me. This kids drawing really sucked, but I could see I was defeated."

The Yankees remain optimistic that they will be able to get the game started relatively early, but can only hope the violence stays under control. "I'm here for the children." Said Derek Jeter.


Anonymous said...

stories like this are the reason why i read this blog.. keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Interesting that Girardi outlawed candy and ice cream but chew tobacco is still okay. Is bubblegum gone from the dug-out, too?

Fernando Alejandro said...

I believe bubblegum is in, but for the sake of the story, screw bubblegum.

Fernando Alejandro said...

And thanks Quinn. Keep reading.

Anonymous said...

What about some sunflower seeds.. they arent candy but have a high sodium level

Fernando Alejandro said...

Yeah, but baseball is built around sunflower seeds and chewing tobacco. You just can't get rid of them.

Jim N. said...

i agree with quinn.

every now and then, one of these stories makes me get caught giggling like a little girl (i'm a big grown manly man) in my office reading the story.

I'm gonna be wearing one of your gomes shoves like a sissy shirts to a TB game soon.


Keep up the work friend.

Fernando Alejandro said...

I'm glad you like it Jim. Cool blog by the way. I added your blog to our blog roll.

And wear that shirt with pride man!